OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
