I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
