Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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