I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
