You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
