i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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