I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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