the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize