some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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