I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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