1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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