420 ftw
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
