my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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