1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize