So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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