we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
