I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
