You smell like stripper and shame
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
