guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
