Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you didnt know i had herpes?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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