my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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