theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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