if you like me you must not know who I am
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
