Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
