Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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