Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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