Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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