the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
