some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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