i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
