I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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