I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize