I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
