I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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