Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
