She went from zero to smokin in five shots
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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