small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
