I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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