Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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