made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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