i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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