i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She bit a glass in half.
Houston, we have a blender
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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