Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just pynch a tree in the face
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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