Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
