Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
