i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
