Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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