You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
