For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
