Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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