Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
