1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
