I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You ruined the universe
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
