I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Randomize
