Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
