i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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