Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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