omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
