I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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