T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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