just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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