i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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