Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
