OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
